The Purple View

Reviews, rants and purpleness

Grand Theft Auto IV Sucks Harder Than Elton John

Posted by Nathan Hardisty on February 2, 2009

Pardon the homosexual reference heh heh…

So let’s actually do some creative writing shall we? Let’s examine Evidence A…

Grand Theft Hypo

It was possible that Grand Theft Auto IV, would live up to the hype. But it was also possible that the LHC would kill us all :D… what the gamers realise is that hype works a bit like coffee. The develops give you beans and you got the hot water, too bad there isn’t any caffeine in the chip beans. So what do you do? Make your own. All developers do is dish out a few trailers, screenshots and slip the occassional $10,000 bill in IGN’s pocket for perfect reviews and wallah! Message boards go crazy, the nerd population explodes and everybody else ends up hearing about it. Hype can mean the diffeference between dissapointment and awesomeness, I like to block out every single ”omg gta iv is gna b cul”. 

”We’ve deffinetly ruined the game by ruling out over 15 features.”

Let’s admit it, Grand Theft Auto IV… felt like it was missing something (like a empty cup of coffee he he)well, I found 15 things missing

  1. Finger-less gloves as shown in the trailers
  2. Jetpacks, jets and planes
  3. Over 2/4 of space, games are supposed to be bigger not smaller
  4. Half of the weapons in San Andreas
  5. Car customisation
  6. Gangs and territory
  7. The camera (unless you count the phone camera, which is useless)
  8. Parachutes (could’ve REALLY helped)
  9. Underwater swimming
  10. Driving and flight schools
  11. Bikes/ BMXes
  12. Co-op multiplayers offline
  13. Actually choosing your safehouses
  14. Real use of money (All you can really buy is food, weapons and… clothes)
  15. Customisable hair (now I’m just nit-picking)

The fact remains, Rockstar decided that it took too much moneys and too much effort to make a awesome piece of work called Grand Theft Auto San Andreas, so they halfed EVERYTHING and sold over 10.9 million copies… I still think it’s predicted to sell 15 million by the end of the year. That’s A LOT of money for Rockstar, I guess they just couldn’t resist.

It’s got Rockstar on the front, so it’s gotta be awesome!

Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. I hate to say it but I don’t think Rockstar aren’t as great as I thought they were. My first true taste of Rockstar was back in 1999 when I was just a wee lad, my mother didn’t care what I played, I ended up getting this strange thing called ‘Grand Theft Auto’ and mutha-freakin’ loving it. I ended up losing out on school and sleep because of this thing, but it was a true work of art – by golly god it was. The amount of things you could do and see, could be compared to GTA IV, it’s old as **** but it’s one of the best damn games I’ve ever played. Times move on and you realise what a piece of crap it was, and you expect Rockstar to double the size of San Andreas and double the size of CJ’s hair and double the size of the logo on the front.


When the DLC was announced exclusive to the 360 and PC versions, I thought that Rockstar were simply leaving us a good version and maybe a better experince. Boy wuz I wrong! I got a 7 minutes 4 GB install, bugs galore, freezes and godamn bricking PS3s everywhere. When I heard that Microsoft DID pay over $50 million, I was heartbroken. I know Rockstar is a company and I’m taking my bussiness studies next year, but ol’ Rocky was like a father (LOLWDFBBQ) always giving me attention and shunning the big kids – until they offered him some coffee. Rockstar basically looked at the Blu-ray’s 50 GB disc, thought ”ooooh shiny…. we could fit 10 san andreas-s on that!” and looked at the 360 DVD disc, which had a 50 million dollar paycheck on top.


Spoilers lol. But godamn every single publisher was praising it for ”being the best gaming story ever”, ”the emotion is so intense” ”this game is awesome because of it’s story”. NO NO NO NO! All it was wuz Niko going around, shooting people in the face – then getting almost shot in the face and either getting his brother/ girlfriend killed, then beating the crap out of the guy who tried to shoot him in the face. That’s how ******* predictable this game is, I guessed the ending even half-way through the piece of crap it is.


I love GTA IV, but I hate it. The multiplayer is sorta fun (but a big letdown) and the whole GTA formula is still there, but it sorta looks like the whole mix of coffee is wearing thin (has anyone guessed the San Andreas reference yet?) and when Rockstar decided to half just about everything (not the 360’s fault) it was sort of blurgderblurgcakc. I know companies are just big corporate ladders just there to make as much money as possible, but they could at least tell us what they are putting in their product and what their taking out, that way I won’t be as dissapointed as I was when I opened the damn case.

P.S I’m thirsty now… I better go get some Starbucks.


2 Responses to “Grand Theft Auto IV Sucks Harder Than Elton John”

  1. Azar said

    I completely agree. Albeit I haven’t played GTAIV yet, but I’ve seen and heard it’s gameplay footage and people complaining about the lack of gameplay features which were more evident in even the previous GTA games. I think these are all valid, GTA IV adds nothing new to the GTA series gameplay-wise, instead when R* were pimping for GTAIV before it came out, the feature they emphasized most was the GOD’s gift to mankind called the ‘Euphoria’ animation engine. Who the heck cares about the animations anyways? Actually we all do to a certain point, but sacrificing fun gameplay features for some animations engine is ridiculous.

    • Bananahs said

      Finally, another human being that doesn’t love GTA IV! Might sound a bit shallow, but Rockstar has more fanboys than sexual diseases, and I’m pretty sure it’ll stay that way. When you do get the chance to play GTA IV, don’t go in with my low expectations though – it’s an alright shooter if you go in like that.

      P.S I think Graphics whores like animations so much, they practically made a religion and made it against the law for any next-gen game to have below 5,000 unique animations.

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