The Purple View

Reviews, rants and purpleness

Whats So Good About Half-Life?: lol im mute

Posted by Nathan Hardisty on February 2, 2009


Ahhhh! Here’s the one I’ve been planning for centuries! Okay, maybe not centuries… decades… but anyway… Valve’s narration in the half-life series has always been recognised as ‘shifitng the scale’, but whats so good about a ‘nerd who had to man up’ against generic supazombies? Well, let’s look at this smelly pot of pancakes ever so more closer, as I will reveal, why gordon freeman is mute.  


Let’s start of with the setting shall we? A scientific research department known as Black Mesa, is built deep in the heart of some deseart, Gordon Freeman – a acclaimed physicist, meganerd and champion D+D player – is tasked with switching on some sort machine or something, that is actually similiar to what the Large Hadron Collider of today is trying to achieve.  

So he pulls the switch, and generic aliens come out and then he has to limp around the place and then… get tasked to visit the alien homeworld to exterminate the boss…. what the hell. This story has been done to death, Gears of war did it, some episodes of Stargate and Trekkers did it and even godamn Star Wars did it. Hell, you could even count Call of Duty. “Taking it to their turf” does not even make a good story, what possible narration and dialouge can you get out of a simple mission to get in some badly made ‘alien’ lair, boomshot the boss and then go home a hero?

Enough with that overused plot and on with probably the most confusing thing ever, apparently the overseer of black mesa surrendered the human race to some alien dudes called the combine.. and he’s the king of the world obviously / sarcasm. So now G Freeman wakes up on a train on the way to some city and then has to talk to some random obviously overused models of ‘stranded’ dudes.

Okay, what the buck? Did jesus come down and rain fire on earth or did humanity just say ”sure you c an have the keys to the earth”, what the buck? Anyway, he goes vroom beep beep and ends up on the run from the combine, with some sorta generic, non-big-boobed female companion (curse yoo valfe), his crowbar and some sorta… purpose to go down a river to get to a facility he could’ve gotten to with a simple teleportation reset.

Here’s what actually happens, Gordon get his HEV suit back, teleports the *****, goes in it, some facehugger (lol so many aliens rip offs) messes it up, he sees some poorly animated stuff to supposedly scare us, then ends up just outside the window. The teleporter works, all he needs to do is go back inside… but some guy who owed him a beer says ”go gordon, down the canal.”

Okay… now that’s the definition of dumb. The next two episodes are basically ‘escape and go to the moon, and some guy dies’, to be honest – there is a hugely emotional part at the end of Ep 2, but that’s it – just linear nothingness all the way through. This is probably the biggest aliens rip off I can imagine, just throw in a mute guy.

Now I explain! Gordon Freeman is mute because… no not to give immersion or for this guy to create one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen , because Freeman just can’t have a voice actor, now and even today – I can’t think of anyone to voice the most baddass nerd of all time… and I can’t think what he’d say!

Valve aren’t even writers, they say ‘save alex’, you save alex – they don’t go into emotional detail, but they sure hide it. I honestly don’t know why critics rave about the half life story, there is no story! Just a guy in a orange suit, going around killing facehuggers, having some dropped lines from his non-big-boobed companion and occassionallly lending a hand to some squeaky proffeseur.

I’ll leave you with a picture of the creator of Freeman’s Mind, the link of ‘this guy’ will show you what he does, and a thought: if half life can be acclaimed for a story it doesn’t have, than maybe my conclusion can be raved about without having an actual conclusion, see yer folks, now name of the next episode – ta ra!


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