The Purple View

Reviews, rants and purpleness

Whats So Good About Halo?: Cortana… make me a sammich

Posted by Nathan Hardisty on February 20, 2009

wsgahalo3

So we reach another episode in the unacclaimed ranting series! And in today’s shipshock horror , we examine the story and worlds of the Halo universe – in other words , we laugh at how unstructured and un-un-understandable plot managed to somehow… ‘inspire’ thousands of billions of millions of people into believing such a mess was epic! So without further ado, let’s dig in shall we? The Halo series is probably one of the easiest to take apart, but let’s give it a chance to maybe suit up itself… not.

Now when Halo first started, there wasn’t such thing as a good story in a console FPS. I guess people just liked to rock and roll, and thats what an FPS should be about – straight to the FPS. Most recently we’ve had hits like Bioshock and… *shudders* Half-Life-ish to show us that the console has potential, yeah right. I don’t mean to sound like a… bastard… but most of us players don’t need a good story, just an addictive experience. Don’t go stickering “EPIC STORLYINE Z0MFG” all over your box, like a malfunctioning male hooker.

So when Halo came along, it got praised everywhere. The music combined with a ‘omg u saev univers’ was alright, but that was the only point – the only thing that made it strong was us. Boy did we make it strong. Fan-fiction popped up everywhere and blogs like wordpress or blogspot just exploded with Halo fan-fiction tales, pretty neat… except it’s not in the game. What most people don’t realise is whatever good a storyline that Halo has, isn’t in the game, Bungie make all this writings and books and everything else, but it’s not Halo.

So some may argue “Bananahs, you incredibly handsome fiend.” , and then paunch their eyebrows. “Isn’t that still part of the game’s story?”. Well, all I’d say back at that is “No.”, because a game’s story… is THE game’s story , not on some website or penned  on Bill Gate’s arse cheeks. What makes a good and cunning story is… IF IT’S IN THE FUCKING GAME. Bioshock gave new meaning to this because it was all crammed in a 12 hour sub-lime experience, and not spread throughout sites… and on the back of the box and in the manual.

Just to piss you fanboys off, Halo is not epic in any sense at all. Battling aliens to steady rock/ classical musical music is not new, just look at the Aliens series… wait a minute… let me just make a quick reference to this. Half-Life had headcrabs, Halo has the flood and well… that’s just a bit creepy that both of them are facehuggers with moustaches and a cunning disguise… and ice-cream. If Jesus was to play one game from the Halo series, he’d smite them for copyright infrigment. A brave Australian once said “Fucking great stonking tits.” and “Is there some kind of bug attacking creativity, floating around?”

Let me sum up the Halo series’ story in just one word: none. There is literally none… you want me to do it don’t you? I’m not doing it! God damn you other readers with your dirty thoughts… but the rest of you… here is your humourous summary of the Halo series story. Master Cheif is a fag, the last fag in the world or something, and is tasked with being more faggotry and stopping some big rings in the sky from killing everyone. He meets a vitural, small, holographic bitch called Cortana and the two save the world, only to find The Flood, some parasite or some shit, the aliens they battle blah blah some of them give up and the fag gives up his whole life for the Earth.

See? Not so hard. I could go into detail, but I won’t. Wanna know why? ‘Cos I’m like that. Well… that’s it folks. Tune in on Monday when we examine… something to do with this thingy… and until then, read my shit and go to hell. I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I remember so you don’t have to.

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