The Purple View

Reviews, rants and purpleness

The Many Faces of E3

Posted by Nathan Hardisty on May 13, 2009

 

E3’s been around a while now, I would be bothered to search Wiki for exactly how long but I’m a busy man, and maybe too long. We’ve seen it gone from the highest of highs, lowest of lows and the most mediocre mediocrities. Hopefully that’s a word. But E3 has changed it’s face so many times, we can’t help but look up at it and think “The damn plastic surgery must cost a load…”. By plastic surgery I refer to of course, the many faces of the Electronic Arts expo. It’s been a long road and some bumps have been smoothed, but the tarmac’s still there and so are the women drivers and their lack of sense of direction. Just kidding, I have nothing against women driving. Quite frankly, I have an uptight philosophy which many of my friends share with me. That philosophy is “If it has terrible driving skills, shame on it. If it just so happens to have breasts, leave it be.”
 
Before I end up sounding like a sexist pig now ranting on and on and on and on about women drivers, let’s concentrate on the matter at hand. E3 has kicked around for a while and , as Nintendo says so, you can never beat a dead horse too much. It’s always going to give a slight twitch. I was thinking about what to start with, and it was staring me right in the face. Actually it didn’t, and this is just a device that us writers use to make us sound cool – for all you know we could be nerds without a home – but I have a home. So, what I saw was the time. E3 has been around for so long that it’s outside of our own dimension. Games come and go, but so does technology, I can actually still remember a couple of years ago, the Killzone 2 CG trailer. Boy, we were hyped. Never had a game given us so much crying, graphical beauty to cry over. Well that’s what I did. But you’ve got to still take into account what Killzone 2 came out as. A healthy baby boy… ish. Aside from a few little niggles, giggles and tomfoolery; the game didn’t look far from it’s E3 CG trailer counterpart. But that’s coming from a graphic whore.
 
Now, E3 has shifted from public event to journalist eyes only to media only to corporate superpowers only and now finally seems to come back to public event. Ish. E3 2009 will be the hybrid of journalistic and public events. I think. So really we’re getting a journalic or publinournal event. I like being a lexicon fusionist. Makes me feel big at parties. Anyway, E3 2009 is going to showcase a bucketload of games and we’re going to be watching them, seeing them, jacking off to the CG trailers and then wrapping the raw file around… yeah. It’s going to be a pretty special E3 and I’m not hoping for games, which is odd since it’s an expo for video-game software and hardware. I’m looked forward to E3 itself because I’m going to it! In real life! Not really, I can’t be bothered to book the plane tickets and I’d probably die of travel sickness. But I am still looking forward to E3!
 
Kojima Productions are going to announce their new title, Microsoft says they’ll be showing off something to define home entertainment and Sony are being Sony. The crafty slackers. Nintendo doesn’t count because they pushed a MILF on stage last year and it still didn’t work. I’d complain and rant about Nintendo’s E3 performance but I’m short on time, money and sperm. Actually the last one is untrue. Now, what I’m expecting is the hype. You know, the old fashioned “OMGWHATARETHEYGONNADOOMGTONYHAWKDIDALULZ” E3 hype. But I’m also looking forward to those shocker moments, and those depressing moments for fanboys everywhere. You’ll find out from searching the interweb that the FFXIII 360 announcement made a lot of grown men cry… and PS3 fanboys. The thing that I guess everyone, who’s actually going, is looking forward to the speeches and keynotes by publishers and developers. Some of them will also be looking forward to the booth babes… and Jade Raymond… maybe they’re the same. Wait… yes… yes they are.

 

E3’s been around a while now, I would be bothered to search Wiki for exactly how long but I’m a busy man, and maybe too long. We’ve seen it gone from the highest of highs, lowest of lows and the most mediocre mediocrities. Hopefully that’s a word. But E3 has changed it’s face so many times, we can’t help but look up at it and think “The damn plastic surgery must cost a load…”. By plastic surgery I refer to of course, the many faces of the Electronic Arts expo. It’s been a long road and some bumps have been smoothed, but the tarmac’s still there and so are the women drivers and their lack of sense of direction. Just kidding, I have nothing against women driving. Quite frankly, I have an uptight philosophy which many of my friends share with me. That philosophy is “If it has terrible driving skills, shame on it. If it just so happens to have breasts, leave it be.”

Before I end up sounding like a sexist pig now ranting on and on and on and on about women drivers, let’s concentrate on the matter at hand. E3 has kicked around for a while and , as Nintendo says so, you can never beat a dead horse too much. It’s always going to give a slight twitch. I was thinking about what to start with, and it was staring me right in the face. Actually it didn’t, and this is just a device that us writers use to make us sound cool – for all you know we could be nerds without a home – but I have a home. So, what I saw was the time. E3 has been around for so long that it’s outside of our own dimension. Games come and go, but so does technology, I can actually still remember a couple of years ago, the Killzone 2 CG trailer. Boy, we were hyped. Never had a game given us so much crying, graphical beauty to cry over. Well that’s what I did. But you’ve got to still take into account what Killzone 2 came out as. A healthy baby boy… ish. Aside from a few little niggles, giggles and tomfoolery; the game didn’t look far from it’s E3 CG trailer counterpart. But that’s coming from a graphic whore.

Now, E3 has shifted from public event to journalist eyes only to media only to corporate superpowers only and now finally seems to come back to public event. Ish. E3 2009 will be the hybrid of journalistic and public events. I think. So really we’re getting a journalic or publinournal event. I like being a lexicon fusionist. Makes me feel big at parties. Anyway, E3 2009 is going to showcase a bucketload of games and we’re going to be watching them, seeing them, jacking off to the CG trailers and then wrapping the raw file around… yeah. It’s going to be a pretty special E3 and I’m not hoping for games, which is odd since it’s an expo for video-game software and hardware. I’m looked forward to E3 itself because I’m going to it! In real life! Not really, I can’t be bothered to book the plane tickets and I’d probably die of travel sickness. But I am still looking forward to E3!

Kojima Productions are going to announce their new title, Microsoft says they’ll be showing off something to define home entertainment and Sony are being Sony. The crafty slackers. Nintendo doesn’t count because they pushed a MILF on stage last year and it still didn’t work. I’d complain and rant about Nintendo’s E3 performance but I’m short on time, money and sperm. Actually the last one is untrue. Now, what I’m expecting is the hype. You know, the old fashioned “OMGWHATARETHEYGONNADOOMGTONYHAWKDIDALULZ” E3 hype. But I’m also looking forward to those shocker moments, and those depressing moments for fanboys everywhere. You’ll find out from searching the interweb that the FFXIII 360 announcement made a lot of grown men cry… and PS3 fanboys. The thing that I guess everyone, who’s actually going, is looking forward to the speeches and keynotes by publishers and developers. Some of them will also be looking forward to the booth babes… and Jade Raymond… maybe they’re the same. Wait… yes… yes they are.

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